Understanding Disordered Eating

A Different Kind of Hunger 

If you are struggling with eating issues, you probably already know that it’s not just about food....you may not be able to explain what else it's about, but you know that food is not the main thing happening with you.  What you do know is that you struggle a lot more than you want to with eating or not eating, gaining weight, keeping your current weight, or losing weight.  All this holds so much of your attention that it's hard to get to what these "eating issues" are really about.  So what is this "disordered eating" all about, then?

Emotional Upheaval and Powerful Feelings

Eating issues are about emotional upheaval and powerful feelings. This is important to keep in mind because it is something you have in common with everyone else, whether they are struggling with eating issues or not.  When it comes to working through the difficulties you're having with food, this will have a big impact because your feelings and the connections they provide to others will feed you more than the disordered eating ever can.  Why?   Because others have emotional upheaval and powerful feelings, too, and they're hungry for connection, too.

So, how is it that you struggle with eating issues if they don't?  Although there may be different backgrounds and experiences, one common factor is that those who struggle with disordered eating have powerful emotions in an upheaval because those feelings have gone unexpressed... In short, you keep much of your feelings inside, perhaps so far inside that even you have lost touch with them.  More than likely, you were keeping them inside before the eating difficulties began, and you may have done this for various reasons.  Perhaps, there was a time that you did show your feelings, but they went ignored... those who you needed to listen were busy or not as tuned in to you at the time.  Perhaps, your feelings weren't ignored but they were treated as unimportant... you were told not to worry about it, to get over it, or that everyone feels that way. Maybe these messages were intended to help and make you feel better, but you were left carrying these feelings... alone and out on a limb.  Unfortunately, for some of you, these feelings were made fun of... or you saw others that were mocked and you became afraid the same would happen to you if you showed your feelings.  You didn't want to be viewed as "weak" or "silly" or "crybaby" or "complaining all the time", so you just kept them inside... where they still are. 

Whatever you do in your struggle with food, whether it is binge uncontrollably, make yourself throw up, exercise compulsively, or deprive yourself of food when you are wanting to enjoy something to eat.... look inside, and there they are, those feelings.... waiting like children for someone (hopefully you) to pick them up and hold them.

Feeling Hurt and Scared when Trying to Relate to Others

Disordered eating is also about feeling hurt and scared when trying to connect with others or develop relationships with them.  It's about being hungry for approval, for this sense that others think you're good enough to be with, that they consider you as compatible with them.  More than that, though, you want to be accepted. 

Disordered eating often goes even deeper than that.  It's a different kind of hunger than what you usually think of.  It's a hunger for understanding, for this sense that other people see things the way you do, that they "get it" when it comes to the way life feels sometimes, the way you want it to be, but it's hard to take a chance when everyone else seems to be on the same page.... one that seems terribly different than yours. 

And disordered eating is about being hungry for company.  You're a human being... by definition you are a social being and being connected with others who are actively in your life is a natural and healthy need.  Sometimes, though, it's easy to get bogged down by doubts that others want to have you around so you withdraw or you may even start to push them away.  None of this changes the fact that you're often lonely and just wish you had a group of people to call your friends, to hang out with, and to turn to when all of life's hunger pains start to hurt more.  Sometimes the hunger for company is even more subtle.  You may actually have a lot of people in your life and enjoy a good social circle, but you know, deep inside, that they don't really know you, so you end up feeling alone or vulnerable... and just with all these emotional hungers, you do one of two things or both of them: feed the hunger by eating more food than your body needs or starve the person who's hungry so she doesn't bother you anymore. 

Feeling Like a Failure When it Seems You Have to be Perfect

Even though you may know, in your head, that nobody is perfect, struggling with disordered eating usually means struggling with the things about you that are not perfect.  It's hard not to struggle with those things.  We live in a culture that says you can be perfect if you just do the right things:  usually this is related to buying products, but the end result is a media-influenced perception that makes it appear that others are much closer to some idea of "perfect" than you are.  This, of course, leads you to want to get closer to a distorted idea of who you are supposed to be: attractive enough, self-disciplined enough, smart enough, social enough, and whatever enough's you come up with on your own.   Often, this involves seeking to be perfectly thin because much of the ideas of thinness in our culture are equated with being desirable.   It becomes easy to believe that if you are thin enough, you'd be closer to being perfectly pretty.  Other things also get into the picture.  It becomes important to have perfect grades or evaluations and you build your life around these things because, at the end of all the logic and perceptions, they seem to be the path to having others like you and, hopefully, love you.  These things seem to be the way to get others to accept you with no reason to reject you.

And It’s About Control...

All of these pursuits are related to a need for control. We all live in a world where anything can happen, a world where the opinion of others sometimes has an impact on you, and so you find yourself vulnerable in a world where, no matter how hard you try, it may not seem like enough... but you try and keep trying.  If you could be perfectly thin, and perfectly pretty, and perfectly disciplined, with perfect grades and a perfect attitude, then it seems there will be no room for doubt about your effort and ability and worth.  There would be no doubt about your being okay, and you could rest.  But that time hasn't come yet... Perhaps it never will because, as human beings, we will always have shortcomings that make us feel less than that version of ourselves that feels like it would be good enough. 

When you feel these "good enough" versions of you slipping away, you feel powerless about whether life is going to turn out okay, and you need something to feel back in control of that.  Eating or resisting the natural need to eat gives you that sense of control.... for a little while, anyway.  And since you know how to use food or starving to give you that sense of control, you hold onto it like the only friend you have in this whole wide scary world.

So, it also IS about food?

If all of these issues from being loved and accepted and needing greater control are what disordered eating is about, then why eating?  Why does it seem to be about food?  Although there are no complete explanations, it does seem like a somewhat logical choice as a coping device when a few commonly accepted ideas are considered. 

1.    Food keeps us alive - physically.
First of all, we need food to stay alive.  At a basic physiological level, food is a good coping device for survival.  Thinking from a more holistic perspective, it seems our body knows food is about survival and this awareness shows up psychologically.  So, when we feel vulnerable it makes sense that we try to deal with it using food. 

2.    Food is a symbol of nurturing
In many cultures throughout the world, including the United States, food is a symbol of caring and loving.  Simply examine our holiday rituals and you'll find Thanksgiving Dinner, Valentine Chocolates, Halloween Candy, and other celebrations that revolve around sharing meals.  Further, we tend to cook dinner or prepare breakfast as part of romantic experiences and we take ourselves out for a food treat when we've had a bad day. 

3.    Eating, food, and weight are weaved into our emotional experiences.
The cultural impact of food, eating, and weight are clear on more subtle levels as well.  They are linked to emotions in many ways in which we express ourselves.  In terms of language alone, we use phrases that reflect this link.

Often so much attention is paid to disordered eating that we neglect the very normal and common link between eating and emotional experiences.  Consider going to the movies.  Typically, if there is popcorn in your lap, you're eating it much faster during the scary scenes, the scenes where the romance is finally about to come alive, and the scenes where the sad ending is clearly on its way.

So, keep in mind that, even though you may realize your eating and your concerns about weight have evolved into problems, you are struggling with an extreme experience and you aren't as "abnormal" as you may fear.  You, as a person, are okay. It's the perceptions and assumptions you've developed and the feelings and behaviors that come from these perception that need adjusting.  It may be very difficult to start adjusting your way of understanding yourself and your life.  But you can do it.  One of the things you can do to begin making these adjustments is to ask yourself a question regarding the role eating plays in your life...

What Are You Really Hungry For?

We're all human, and although your unique life situations leave you with different needs and different intensities of those needs, one thing we all have in common to some extent is that we are interpersonal beings.  In other words, many of our needs involve how others regard us or how we believe they do.  Therefore, it is important to not simply ask what role eating plays in your life but also how is it linked to some of our interpersonal needs, fears, and hurts.  
So, if you are struggling with disordered eating, chances are high that --- in your unique personal way--- you are hungry for love, approval and acceptance.  It is difficult, even painful, when you can't know for certain that you will be fed these nurturing experiences.  You then become very hungry for control.  You want to be loved in a way that shows you’re truly special, a way that doesn't leave you worried that others have some qualities that are so bright you won't be noticed and valued, too.   You're hungry for approval, being told in many different ways that you’re already good enough!  You crave acceptance, because sometimes it is hard to feel like you really belong and that you actually and completely deserve to be a part of it all!

Sometimes, you simply feel like you don't have these things or that you may lose them if you do.  Other times you know you have these things and you feel foolish for worrying, but you only know them in logical terms.  You can see that others care for you so you don't know why you should struggle so much.  You may know that you have love, approval, and acceptance, but you don't believe it.  Knowing and Believing are two different things.  One is logical and based on fact.  The other is more intuitive and based on faith and trust.  When you know you are loved, you may not believe it emotionally.   The emotional doubts then leave you wanting a greater sense of Control.

So much of life seems out of your control or authority.  Whether it's parents or peers, coaches or teachers, or the larger social culture, it often seems that others determine whether you receive the acceptance and approval you need to feel good about being who you are!  Life seems like a series of questions that are so complicated, whose answers are so unpredictable, that life becomes scary and it hurts!!! 

Trying to Make Life More Simple

And for each of these questions, you can add another hundred every day, leaving you feeling overwhelmed to the point where you just need to make life simple!  The need to keep things simple then impacts your way of thinking about things.  One of the ways you may try to make life seem a little more manageable is thinking in extremes... You keep your world black and white because all the different shades of gray are too hard to define and you're struggling enough with how to define yourself as it is.  As this way of thinking takes over, then most of your life  becomes a matter of all or nothing.  You only leave yourself two choices.  So there is only fat or thin---with nothing in between, beautiful or ugly---with nothing in between, and then perfect or worthless---with nothing in between.
 
Eating, then, becomes the one thing that can be controlled in all of these aspects!  But there is help available.  Through our interdisciplinary approach and the Eating and Body Image Concerns (EBIC) team, we can connect you to the support you deserve.  Contact CAPS if you'd like to talk to someone who may know how to help you live your life more completely and with more comforting self-acceptance than the eating issues that have become  the problem instead of a solution. 
 

(c) 2001.  Gary D. Glass, Ph.D.  

More Information:

• MindfulEating
• Understanding Disordered Eating
• How To Help
• Terms Related to Disordered Eating