Engaging in Conflict

Conflict is almost occurs in a larger context than is immediately apparent to those engaged in the conflict.  In order to increase the chances for a productive conflict climate, there are various things to consider:  

• that conflict is a matter of differing perspectives,
• that the goal is not for one partner to win but for the relationship to win, 
• that you can develop and use various skills to make your conflict as productive and instructive as possible. -    
  

Perspectives Change Perceptions
An important factor to consider is that shifting one’s point of view can change the way one views the issue. Ask yourself,

"If I thought about this from her (his) point of view, would I still agree with myself?"

This is a healthy and productive stance to take. This doesn’t mean that you should surrender your own position.  It is important, however, to recognize that another perspective may be as valid as your own.  Consider an argument about keeping the living space neat and straightening things out when the living space becomes messy.  You may both actually agree on this goal.  "Let's not allow our place to become messy!"  However, to one person, the place is a mess when there are dirty dishes from the night before on the counters, gym clothes on the couch, books and papers from a research project someone is working on, and a pile of CD's on top of the stereo from a party this past weekend.  Yet, for another person, a single book bag on the recliner and a magazine on the chair instead of the magazine rack next to the chair constitutes a mess.   A healthy conflict in this scenario would involve escaping from a struggle about whether the apartment is messy to one that concludes,

Of course, having a dialogue and coming to some middle ground will help the relationship.  Therefore, if a conflict leads to such a dialogue, this would be an example of a healthy productive conflict.

My Needs and Our Needs

Most people think of a conflict or argument as something that one person wins and the other person loses.  However, it is possible to win an argument and still damage the relationship.  An important factor in any conflict is that there are three parties for every two people in conflict:

1. the first person
2. the second person
3. the relationship they share

It is easy to think of conflict in terms of ”me against you”. This will likely lead to someone winning and someone losing.   This means someone losing a sense of personal power or respect.   Another way to look at the conflict is in terms of “us against this disagreement”, so that the winners are all the people involved and the "loser" is the issue that threatens to harm the relationship.  

Consider an argument in a romantic couple in which the first partner wants to go out and spend time together tonight and the other partner asserts the need to stay home and study.  Clearly, the partner who needs to study has a legitimate argument: being a responsible college student means “I need to study!”  However, if this partner has been neglecting the other a lot lately, it's critical that the impact of not studying be weighed against the consequences of not spending time with the partner.  Conversely, if the partner asserting the need to study had actually been spending so much time with the other partner that his/her grades have suffered, it's critical to assess the impact of giving in now on academic survival.   A healthy conflict in this scenario would involve having each person shifting away from “getting his or her way” to how this decision will impact each of them and the relationship they share.

Power and Control Issues

Conflict can easily evolve into a struggle to see who has more power or control in the relationship.   In fact, the outcome of a conflict is often determined by who is the more powerful person rather than what is best for the relationship.  Therefore, for healthy and productive conflict, it is important to consider not only Personal Power but also Relationship Power. Two issues are always at play during conflict: 

1. The issue the conflict is about and
2. The sense of personal power or respect that each person holds, creates, or loses as a result of the conflict.  
   

Ending a conflict with the goal that each person feels their position was respected and understood, regardless of the outcome of the conflict, is a critical ingredient in productive and healthy conflict.   It is often difficult to determine what is most important. What’s best for me? What’s best for you?  What’s best for us?  If conflict is going to be used as a tool to improve the relationship, compromising will have to occur.  Some important questions to consider when deciding when and how to compromise include:

• Is one person giving in much more than the other?
• Does giving in again cost you dignity or respect?
• Does holding your ground cause the other person to view you as insensitive to their needs?
• What is the conflict about? 
• Is there a hidden conflict underneath the conflict?  If so...Is there something more important than the actual issue you’re in conflict about, such as the other person’s self esteem, the overall need for a balance of control in the relationship, or your own sense of being respected as an individual?

© 2001.  Gary D. Glass, Ph.D.