Conflict is a Tool
Understanding and Managing Conflict to Help Build Healthy Relationships
Most people, when asked, will declare that they don't like conflict. Statements such as "I try to avoid conflict!" and "I really hate having any kind of argument or disagreement" are quite common. Folks who make such statements are often regarded as good people or kind people. While this may be true, there is a subtle implication that those who do engage in any kind of conflict are bad or mean, which of course makes most folks want to avoid conflict. Unfortunately, we usually think of conflict as something that is only damaging or destructive as opposed to something that might cause problems if used for the wrong purposes.
Conflict is, like most things in the world, neither inherently good nor inherently bad. It is simply a tool. A hammer, for example, can be a helpful tool if building something of value----and that same hammer can be used to destroy things. Sometimes, people use conflict to build things (such as improved relationships), other times people use conflict improperly and unintentionally break things; still other times, people can use conflict intentionally as a weapon to intimidate or control others. The more you know about conflict and how to use it, the more you can protect yourself against destructive use and assist yourself with a helpful tool.
The Need to Confront and Contain
One of the most common mistakes people make in dealing with conflict is trying to avoid the conflict. They think of conflict as a bad thing so it seems best to ignore it. However, if we don’t attend to issues that cause conflict, they become infections in our relationships and spread to other areas of the relationships or even other areas of our lives. So, the first thing to realize about conflict is that we are better off if we confront it and contain it before it spreads.
The Elements of Conflict
There are 4 Basic Elements to any conflict, and all four should be considered when engaged in conflict in order to have the greatest chance at directing your actions toward productive learning about the person with whom you are in conflict. These include:
1) The Facts and Situations
2) The Points of View or Frames of Reference
3) The Opinions and Beliefs
4) The Emotions
Facts and Situations. In every conflict, there is the actual reality of the situation the conflict is placed in. Consider the old adage "There are 3 sides to every story: yours, mind, and the truth." The facts and situations of any conflict represent that objective truth about what has happened and what is happening. However, as you'll see with the other elements of a conflict, the Facts and Situations are not enough to determine what will occur in the conflict.
Points of View and Frames of Reference . For each person in the conflict, it isn't that one is necessarily correct and the other wrong; it may be that different points of view have access to different facts and situations, informing what each person actually sees. For example, imagine a guy being very secretive about where he is going one afternoon and his partner sensing that he's lying. From the partner's point of view, dishonesty is taking place. However, from the guy's point of view, he is planning a surprise party for his partner. A conflict could easily emerge between these two who see the same things but view them very differently.
Beliefs and Opinions. Each person in the conflict carries beliefs and opinions about what is happening. These represent the different ways individuals assign meaning to the facts and situations of a conflict. For example, a magazine left on a table can mean a relaxed atmosphere to one person and an inconsiderate act of messiness to another. This is the element that most often drives the conflicts. People carry different underlying assumptions about what things mean, and these are the things that conflict brings to the surface. In productive conflicts, this is where much learning can take place, enabling the partners to say things such as, "I learned what this means to you" or "I realized how strongly you feel about that."
• Not Taking Out the Trash is Bad.
• Coming home 20 minutes late without calling is not such a big deal.
• Playing music loud is the ONLY way to fully appreciate it.
When beliefs and opinions are learned, then the information needed in order to respect each other is available.
Emotion. Finally, closely linked to the Beliefs and Opinions about the issues at hand, the final element of any conflict is the Emotion. The Emotion element is usually the one that carries the vulnerability inherent in relationships, not to mention the vulnerability that usually has many individuals avoiding conflict whenever possible. There are two contexts of Emotion in any conflict. First, there are the emotions about the issue at hand---the love, anger, fear, confusion, sadness, and disappointment that one feels when something of value is treated in a way that hurts enough to start a conflict. Second, there are all the emotions that surface about the fact that a conflict is occurring. Conflict is usually uncomfortable for most people, and it introduces a scary possibility that the relationship might be harmed (not unlike the fear that you will hammer your thumb instead of the nail when building something). There are a lot of feelings about having a conflict that also impact how the conflict will progress, and it is important to be aware of your emotions so that you can recognize when they influence what you say and do.