SUPPORTING FROM A DISTANCE

The years that your son or daughter attends college away from home are often as much a growing experience for parents as they are for the college student.   For some parents, it’s a somewhat familiar process because their daughters and sons have already gained experience being away from home.  For others, it’s a very different experience of learning to let go while still finding ways to stay connected.   Regardless of your experience up to this point, parenting college students from a distance comes with both rewards of seeing your teenagers continue their development into full adulthood and challenges of trying to support them from a distance through their difficult times.  This page is offered to help you better understand some of the steps along the way and to give you some suggestions on how to navigate these exciting years.

At CAPS (Counseling and Psychological Services), we often see students when they are struggling, and their struggles are located somewhere in a wide continuum from simply trying to adjust to college life on one end to facing quite serious developmental or psychological challenges on the other end.  Regardless of how severe their struggles might be, your role as a parent remains important, and you can play a significant role in helping them navigate through the various dimensions related to restoring their strength and sense of clarity.  

Afraid to disappoint you.  Students are often hesitant to reach out to their parents or even let them know when they may be struggling out of a fear that they will disappoint you.  Sometimes, they view one or both parents as having higher standards than they can maintain, themselves.  Other times, they feel that family members or even community members are so excited about the success they’ve experienced so far, they simply don’t want to let loved ones down.  In either case, many of today’s college students are reluctant to inform their parents when they are going through a psychologically difficult time.  Encouragement from mom and/or dad to not be afraid of disappointing can help keep important lines of communication open.  Help them remember who you are: A parent, whose love is greater than your expectations.

Protecting you.  Often, students may refrain from letting parents know about a troubling time or an episode with a psychological problem because they wish to protect you from the hurt, confusion, and worry that they assume you’ll feel.   They are usually correct in their assumption that you’ll feel these things.  What they usually fail to consider is your resilience and willingness to endure these feelings for the sake of being able to support a loved son or daughter.  Clarifications from parents on this issue can be very helpful: “Yes, it would be upsetting, but I can handle that and I want to if that means being there for you!” Help them remember who you are: A parent, whose caring concern is a source of both hurt and strength.

Remember What You’ve Done

In simplest terms, you have done a good job in raising the student that has earned admission to Duke University.  You have taught them values, including a strong work ethic.  You have shown them decision making.  You have encouraged an exploration of career planning, and you have introduced notions of success that you hope they incorporate in their college careers.   All of the successful work you have done as a parent up to this point grants you the opportunity to trust your daughter or son to navigate the challenges of college life.  With that trust, you can allow yourself to limit the degree to which you continue to hold the reins in the college students’ life.  When they are struggling, however, your reflex may be to take over.   While sometimes, a strong decision on your part may still be necessary, most of the time you can parent from a distance by keeping a few suggestions in mind.  

What You Can Do

• Rather than giving solutions to your son or daughter, help them think through their dilemmas and improve their problem solving skills.
  • Replace “You should…” with “What would help you to…?”
  • Replace “Why don’t you just…?” with “What is keeping you from…?”
• Remember that "just listening" is often the best thing you can do when your son or daughter is distraught about something.  Often, the fundamental problem is that they feel alone in their struggle; having someone just be willing to listen to that struggle helps more than you would expect (and more than you can see when you hang up the phone).   Often, students feel great after an emotional phone call, and the parents are the only ones still worried!
• Encourage them to utilize the resources available on campus. Whether your son or daughter is dealing with health issues, psychological concerns, cross-cultural challenges, academic difficulties, or career indecision, there are offices on campus that can be important sources of support and information.  A helpful information pool which lists such resources, offered by the Division of Student Affairs is DukeReach.  Visit http://dukereach.studentaffairs.duke.edu
• Find ways of getting support yourself with the uneasiness parents feel when their daughters/sons are far from home--from your spouse, a family member, a friend, particularly people whose children have attended college in the US.
  

Ask Teaching Questions

Often, the strongest pull for parents is to provide answers when their college students are having difficulty.  However, because college is a time for learning, both in and outside of the classroom, students often grow into a more confident maturity when they are challenged to answer questions they might not have considered in their struggles.  This is true for personal as well as academic challenges.  Consider some of the following questions for the more common experiences of distress facing college students.

• How able do you feel to be yourself at Duke?
• Do you evaluate others in the same way that you evaluate yourself?
• Are you being guided more by your fears or by your aspirations right now?
• Can you tell the difference between experiencing disappointment and being a failure?
• What do you remember about the last time you felt motivated?
• Which of your qualities do you most want to rely on right now?
• Is recognizing when you might need help a sign of weakness or a sign of strength?
  

Consult with CAPS Staff Members

The professionals at CAPS are available for consultation to help you support your student. Whether you need help in encouraging your son or daughter to seek services or need help understanding the issues causing you concern, CAPS reserves times for staff members to provide consultation.

If your daughter or son is currently being seen at CAPS for services, we cannot provide any information regarding their status without his or her permission because maintaining confidentiality of our services is legally required. However, we can offer suggestions about talking with your son or daughter in a manner that respects their privacy but opens possibilities for more collaboration with parents in providing support.  Please call and ask to speak to one of our staff members for consultation.